


The Bachelorette

by xoxodelvidestruction



Category: Motorcycling RPF, Motorsport RPF
Genre: Awkward Romance, Crack, Fluff, Multi, the bachelorette au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-06
Updated: 2020-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 16:29:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22590895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xoxodelvidestruction/pseuds/xoxodelvidestruction
Summary: Cal hatches a plan to grow the American audience using their most beloved thing: reality TV.
Relationships: Alex Marquez/Original Female Character(s), Dani Pedrosa/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 5





	1. Episode 1

“So, remind me again, why are we doing this?” Delvi asks, glancing between the producer and the host. 

“I told you, we need a bigger American audience,” the producer responds, rolling his eyes as though it should be obvious. 

“And you’re sure that a dating show is the only way?” The producer heaves a sigh, looking increasingly pained. “Of course it is…” Delvi trails off, accepting her fate. 

[Camera cuts to the front of a large house]

”Welcome to the Bachelorette!” Cal shouts, thrusting his fist into the air. “Let’s meet our contestants!”

[Marc Marquez fidgets impatiently, sitting in an oversized pink velvet chair. He can’t seem to stop rubbing the arm of the chair]

Marc: “Why is everything so soft? Is this what the inside of girl’s houses are like?” Cal looks momentarily shocked.

Cal: “Have you never been inside of a girl’s house?” Now Marc looks confused. 

Marc: “There aren’t any motorbikes in there.” His tone is completely matter-of-fact. Cal pauses, looking thoughtful.

Cal: “Well, you’re not wrong,” he admits, shrugging. 

[A series of clips play, flashing through some of the other contestants]

Cal: “Aleix, mate, aren’t you married?” 

Aleix: “It was the most beautiful wedding,” he boasts, beaming. “Laura is pregnant with twins. She’s the most beautiful pregnant lady,” he gushes. Cal scratches his head. 

Cal: “Then, why are you on a dating show?” 

Aleix: “A dating show?!” Aleix looks equal parts alarmed and crushed. 

[Scene cuts to Valentino Rossi lounging in the pink chair, looking exceedingly smug]

Valentino: “So, how many beautiful girls are here to woo me?” 

Cal: “It’s the reverse, mate. You’re here to compete for Delvi’s attention,” Cal explains, stifling a laugh as Valentino’s face falls. 

Valentino: “Oh no,” Valentino laments, perking up for just a moment. “Not Delvi Poulsen, right?” Cal pauses for several seconds. 

Cal: “Literally the only Delvi Poulsen we both know.” Valentino appears to shrink, his eyes round with horror. 

Valentino: “Merda.” 

[Next, we see Dani perched on the edge of the chair. He looks tiny and incredibly uncomfortable]

Cal: “So…” he begins, waiting for Dani to say something. Dani blinks a few times, swallowing hard. “Didn’t you and Delvi used to…” Dani slowly nods, staring at his hands. “Wasn’t it a super messy…” Dani looks into the camera, his eyes wide with fear. “Yikes.”

[Jorge grins into the camera, looking confident]

Jorge: “I think I have the best chance at making Delvi fall in love with me,” he announces, exceedingly self-assured. 

Cal: “I literally watched Delvi punch you in the face,” Cal reminds him, watching as Jorge absently rubs his jaw. 

Jorge: “Passion is passion,” he shrugs.

[The scene cuts back to the outside of the house. Cal is visibly buzzing with energy]

“All of this and more on this season of The Bachelorette!”

[A voice over cuts in]

“Will Dani admit he is ready for real commitment? Can Jorge finally prove he isn’t a twat all of the time? Does Valentino have the stones to prove he can be loyal? Or, could the mystery contestant throw a wrench in everything? Keep watching to find out!”

“Wait, what mystery contestant? I didn’t know about that,” Delvi interrupts, suddenly appearing next to Cal outside of the house. 

“Fucking Christ, Poulsen. How did you get here? You’re not supposed to randomly show up at the house.” Cal takes a half-step back as Delvi narrows her eyes at him. 

“I walked here from the fucking motorhome I’m supposed to be living in,” she complains, pointing to the ostentatious bus at the end of the driveway. “Who is the mystery contestant?” Cal opens his mouth to protest, snapping it shut when Delvi continues glaring at him. 

“I can’t tell you.” He points his chin into the air. 

“I’m warning you, Crutchlow.” Cal continues trying to look haughty even though there is fear in his eyes.

“Guys, we have a situation!” he shouts, hoping to be saved by the producer. No one moves. “It’s a mystery!” he squeals, running away as Delvi gives chase. 

[The camera cuts to the back garden, panning out to reveal everyone standing around uncomfortably. Small groups have formed, but Delvi is standing in the center with Cal who is now wearing a sling]

“You’re a monster,” he stage-whispers to her, flinching when she turns to look at him. 

“It’s not my fault that you tripped over a fucking tree root. It’s also not my fault that you’re so delicate.” Delvi looks pointedly at his sling. She heaves a deep sigh as she looks over the riders loosely gathered in clumps. Most of them are trying to sneak glances at her, but it’s all painfully obvious. “I feel like a zoo animal.” 

“You’re definitely an animal,” Cal remarks, studying the fingernails on his uninjured hand. Delvi rolls her eyes. “Go, mingle. Remember, you’ll eliminate three riders tonight and then I’ll reveal the mystery contestant.” Delvi looks apprehensive, unsure which group to approach first. “Tut, tut, be gone,” Cal continues, shooing her away. Delvi stares at him for a moment before squaring her shoulders and marching up to the first clump of people. 

Aleix, Pol, and Scott look up as she approaches. 

“Delvi! Look at the goat Kiara just rescued!” Scott chirps, grabbing Delvi’s hand and pulling her into their circle. Delvi ooh’s appropriately over the baby goat photos. Aleix and Pol argue for a moment, each wanting to show her photos of their wives next. 

“Wait, why are any of you on a dating show?” Delvi asks, watching as they glance back and forth amongst themselves. Aleix is the first to speak up.

“I didn’t know what that meant until Cal explained it this morning.” 

“Aleix said it was a team thing,” Scott adds, shrugging. 

“Aleix and I can’t be apart for more than a few hours,” Pol comments, looking thoroughly resigned to that particular fate. 

Dani can’t help glancing over every time Delvi laughs. She has moved on to hanging out with Dovi, Danilo, Valentino, and Luca. Luca is the only Moto2 rider around and he has been beet red since Delvi approached the group. 

“Maybe if you concentrate harder you can blow up someone with your mind,” Marc mentions. Dani swivels his head to look at his teammate. 

“She hates Dovi.”

“But she’s obviously been into Valentino before, and Luca is adorable.” Dani’s mouth drops open. “What? You have eyes. Not perfect, innocent blue ones like Luca’s but stil...”

“What do you mean she’s been into Valentino?” Dani asks, ignoring Marc’s continuing comments on Valentino’s half-brother. 

“I guess technically he was into her,” Marc cackles, wiggling his eyebrows. Dani’s mouth hangs even further agape. 

“That was a secret!” Maverick tries to shush Marc. “How much have you had to drink?” 

“Pfft!” Marc blows a raspberry towards Maverick, holding his drink out of reach. “My brother is the secret. Was,” Marc corrects, somehow cackling louder and sloshing wine as he avoids Maverick’s reach.

Delvi, who has begun walking towards them, quickly redirects as Maverick tackles Marc, wrestling the glass of wine out of his hand. 

Rins tosses his arm around Dani’s shoulders. “Don’t worry,  _ I _ have not fucked your ex-girlfriend.” 

Meanwhile, Delvi is trying to avoid looking at Dani. She heard enough of their conversation to know it’s going to be awkward. 

“I can’t believe you’ve seen everyone naked but me,” Jorge pouts. Delvi hasn’t even reached his table yet, but she’s already changing directions again. She seeks refuge in the kitchen for a moment, ducking under the counter when she hears Cal shouting for her. 

The sound of his footsteps grows fainter as he walks away. After another moment, Delvi bravely leaves her cabinet refuge only to realise she is no longer alone. Dani has also been hiding on the other side of the island. 

“Dani!” 

“Delvi!” They stare at each other with giant, round eyes for a few moments. 

“Umm,” she stammers, wringing her hands. “I’m actually glad we can talk for a moment without the cameras. I feel like I need to explain what Marc…” Dani darts out of the kitchen, easily sidestepping Delvi’s attempt to catch him. “You tiny samurai-bastard!” she shouts, trying to chase him through the house. Dani is much quicker and manages to crawl under one of the beds before Delvi notices. 

“Fucking finally,” Cal interrupts, clearly out of breath. He grabs Delvi’s elbow and begins dragging her back through the house. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you. It’s time to send some losers home.” 

[Earlier in the day, Cal is sitting at the little table in Delvi’s motorhome, thumbing through some notes for the show.]

“Alright, so you can’t send Valentino, Marc, Dani, or Jorge home tonight,” he instructs, scribblings more notes.

“Are there always going to be lots of stipulations on who I can and can’t choose?” 

“No, we just want to be sure you keep the champions around until at least the second episode.” Delvi looks at him skeptically. “You get to pick the final three, at least,” he shrugs. Delvi drops her head onto the table, again wondering what she has gotten herself into. Cal notices, tapping the end of his pencil against the back of her head. “Hey! This isn’t the time for a nap. You’ve got three to eliminate tonight.” Delvi’s head pops up. 

“Three? I thought it was typically one?” She looks torn between hope and worry. 

“It usually is, but the guys have to be back for testing so the program is truncated. We’re estimating four episodes.” 

“And then I can get back to my regular life,” Delvi comments wistfully. Cal nods slowly. 

“Well, after the engagement special and whatnot. Once that’s done, then yes, it’s right back to regular life.” The look of worry is back in Delvi’s eyes. 

“You said there wouldn’t be an engagement. I don’t have to get married, I just have to give a relationship a try,” Delvi corrects, starting to fret. 

“Oh, um, about that…” Cal springs up from the table, leaping out of the motorhome door as Delvi throws a bottle of water at him. 

[The camera focuses on Delvi standing back in the center of the garden. She holds the final rose.]

“Um, this was a weird decision. Dovi, will you accept the last rose?” Delvi looks disappointed as she holds it out to him, clearly conflicted by having to keep him. Dovi looks equally grim. He drags his feet as he walks up to take the flower. “There’s always next week,” she whispers, patting the top of his head. 

“That means Aleix, Scott, and Pol, you’re going home tonight.” Cal cuts in, practically shoving the guys out the back gate.

“Bye, Delvi! Thanks for letting me go home to see my new goat-son!” Scott shouts over his shoulder, waving at her. Cal loudly shushes him before running back in, a maniacal smile on his face. “Are we all ready to meet the mystery contestant?” 

[As the camera scans the other contestants, everyone attempts to look nervous. Marc is failing miserably, distracted by a moth that has decided to flutter around his head.]

Delvi tenses as she hears footsteps approaching. Cal excitedly claps his hands as the new contestant finally emerges into the light. 

“Oh fuck,” Delvi mutters under her breath. Dani elbows Marc, finally pulling his attention away from the moth. 

“GAAASSS!” he shouts excitedly before his face suddenly clouds with realisation. “Oh fuck,” he echoes Delvi. 

[Dani paces in front of the pink chair, unable to sit still]

Dani: “Am I worried about Alex Marquez? No, why would I be?” 

Cal: “Well, he is quite tall and finally beginning to fill out. Plus, he has those Bambi eyes,” he comments off-hand. Dani comes to a stop, gulping. 

[Valentino and Alex are clearly in a stand-off, gesturing wildly with their hands as they shout at one another.]

“This isn’t some sort of a game! Delvi is a real person with real feelings!” Alex argues, looking startled when Valentino suddenly grabs his shoulders. 

“I  _ know _ ,” he urges, all of his anger vanishing. He looks forlorn while Alex looks into the camera, confused. 

[Marc whispers something into Luca’s ear, the younger looks intrigued and terrified]

“You do know I’m sitting right here,” Delvi mentions, watching as Luca goes red again. Marc relents, leaning over to whisper in her ear, too. Delvi’s expression moves from curious to hungry to bewildered. “I’m not sure if I could keep up,” she murmurs, fanning herself. 

Cal voiceover: “All of this to come on this season of The Bachelorette!” he trumpets. 

[ _ The lights in the garden are suddenly shut off as the producer shouts, “Cut!”  _

_ Cal hooks his good arm into the crook of Delvi’s, pulling her towards her motorhome.  _

_ “C’mon darling, you’ll need your beauty sleep before tomorrow’s fuckery.” Delvi lets him lead her away, still in shock. “Look at you! I knew he was the perfect suggestion for maximum drama.”  _

_ “You suggested him?!” Delvi snaps out of her delirium, leveling Cal with a world-famous, or soon to be, glare. Cal is realising the error of his confession and makes a break for it. “Get back here! I’m going to break your other arm!” Delvi is surprisingly quick in high heels, closing the gap. As they approach the motorhome, she diverts, slamming the door behind her as she gives up on chasing him. Cal hasn’t seen her and continues running, squawking into the night. _ ]


	2. Episode 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The show must go on! Eliminations, first group date, and a solo date who isn't happy to be picked. Who will make the next cut? And who doesn't want to...

Cal voiceover: “Previously on the Bachelorette!” he trills excitedly. 

Delvi offers a rose to Jorge, grimacing slightly as he makes a show of kissing her hand. 

[There’s a montage of people leaving: Dovi, Danilo, Rins. The scene switches to Delvi and Marc sitting outside by the pool, she is leaned against his chest and he has his arms wrapped around her, resting his chin on her shoulder.] 

Cal voiceover: “Will Delvi find love with her best friend?”

[Alex gently tilts Delvi’s chin up, sharing a smile when their eyes meet]

Cal voiceover: “Or is Marc’s little brother his biggest competition?”

* * * * * 

Delvi glances up, startled, as someone else enters the kitchen. She grins at Dani, hoping it doesn’t look as forced as it feels. He tries to return it, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. 

She gestures outside with her cup of coffee, hoping he will follow. After a moment, he emerges onto the back porch, looking nervous. 

“Cal murdered my coffee maker,” Delvi explains. “He claims it was an accident, but I’m beginning to think it’s another attempt at psychological warfare.” Dani takes a sip of his coffee, nodding despite his refusal to look at her. “Are you ever going to talk to me? I keep hoping that the longer we’re here, eventually you’ll crack, but…” she trails off, keeping her eyes focused on her mug. 

“Why haven’t you sent me home?” Delvi looks up at him, confused. “I obviously don’t want to talk about everything on a reality show.” 

“There aren’t any cameras right now,” Delvi supplies, patting the seat next to her. Dani looks hesitant, but finally relents, sitting down. “I feel like I should apologize…”

“No, I should probably be the one apologizing. I got scared of what you meant to me, and I let it ruin things,” Dani interrupts, running a hand through his hair. “I want to ask you all of these questions, but I don’t know that I actually want the answers.”

“I think if we have any real chance of moving forward, we probably need to talk about the hard stuff, too.” Dani considers her words for a moment before nodding his agreement. 

“I kissed Marc,” Dani blurts, deciding to jump into the conversation. 

“Because you have feelings for Marc?” Delvi asks slowly, trying to remain neutral.

“No! I mean, Marc is my teammate and friend. I was a little drunk and very lonely. He’s just one of those magnetic people. It didn’t mean anything, though,” he insists, shaking his head. 

“Ah, fair enough. I’ve kissed Marc, too. He’s strangely irresistible,” Delvi nods sagely. She pauses, tapping her thumb against her coffee mug for a moment. 

“Marc told me about Valentino,” Dani adds, unable to wait for Delvi to continue. Delvi cringes, regretting her decision to talk about things. 

“I really have to stop telling him things,” she groans, briefly covering her face. “That was a very long time ago, way before I met you. I was 18 and starstruck. He pretended that he wanted it to be more, but you know how Valentino is. It barely took two months for him to stop calling. I didn’t really expect anything else,” Delvi murmurs, disregarding how it had actually felt. Neither of them have noticed Valentino now hovering just inside the screen door. Valentino, however, has certainly noticed the slight note of hurt in Delvi’s voice. He looks startled, probably unaccustomed to feeling guilt. 

“And after me, there’s Alex?” Dani asks softly, his feigned nonchalance slipping. 

“Marc has the biggest mouth,” she grumbles, shaking her head. “I honestly don’t know,” Delvi sighs, shaking her head. “I’m barely starting to wrap my head around there being an ‘after you’, but Dani, you have to realise...” Dani reaches out, resting his hand on top of hers. Delvi gently pulls her hand away, needing to stay separate from him to get her words out. “I honestly thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with you, and when you told me you hadn’t wanted a relationship, it felt like everything before that had been a lie.” Delvi pauses to take a deep breath. “You broke my heart,” she shrugs, at a loss for how else to phrase it.

“Delvi, I…” 

“HAS ANYONE SEEN DELVI?!” Cal bellows, barging into the house. Valentino decides to lose his eavesdropping spot and pops out onto the porch to warn them. Delvi jumps out of her seat, startled by his sudden interruption.

“Cal is hunting for you,” he explains, reaching for her empty mug. Delvi glances at Dani, wondering what else he had been about to say. Dani refuses to meet her eyes. 

“Thank you,” Delvi replies, giving Valentino’s arm a squeeze as she slips past him, sneaking around the side of the house. Valentino stares after her for a moment before returning to the kitchen. 

[ _ “So what fresh hell do you have in store for me today?” Delvi asks, standing just out of the frame. Cal, who is visible, rolls his eyes.  _

_ “Today is the group dates. You get to separate them into two groups and then there’s the first one-on-one tonight. Honestly, what’s better than having all of these eligible boys fawning over you?” Cal huffs, crossing his arms. Now, Delvi rolls her eyes.  _

_ “Calvin…” _

_ “What? Oh boo hoo, you’re the center of attention. It’s so horrible.” _

_ “Cal!”  _

_ “Again, what?! I wish I’d been porked by that many world champions,” he laments, scowling at her. “The only champion who’s kissed me was Marc and that doesn’t count because he does that with everyone.” The camera readjusts slightly, bringing Delvi into view. If looks could kill, Cal would be dead. Many times over. There is muffled shouting from somewhere out of scene. “What the fuck do you mean we’re filming? Oh, buggering hell.” Cal looks directly into the camera, his face immediately going pale. _ ]

[The scene cuts to Delvi standing next to Cal in a large field]

“Hello, boys!” Cal opens enthusiastically, hoping his fervor will be contagious. “The lovely, and surprisingly violent, Delvi is going to split you into two groups for a football match. The winning team will get some extra time to celebrate, so play your best.” Delvi is staring into space, startled out of her trance by a sharp elbow from Cal. 

“Oh, uh… Dani, Alex, and Luca on one side and Valentino, Jorge, and Maverick on the other.” Dani glares at Alex while Jorge kicks at a tuft of grass, grumpy to be on Valentino’s team. 

“Wait! I didn’t get picked!” Marc shouts. 

“That means you get the first one-on-one date tonight with Delvi,” Cal explains. Marc’s face falls. 

“But I wanted to play football,” he whines, stomping off the field behind the assistant leading him back to the house. “We are not best friends anymore!” he shouts back, struggling to remove a friendship bracelet from his wrist. 

“Um, I think he’s missing the point of the show…” Cal sighs, rubbing his temples. 

[Delvi sits on the side of the field, wincing as Dani lands yet another kick on Alex’s shin, missing the ball completely.]

“So this isn’t going well at all,” Cal comments. 

“Call a timeout. Let’s make one team take off their shirts,” Delvi suggests. Cal swivels his head to stare at her in surprise. She shrugs. “They’re going to be awful regardless, might as well enjoy part of the game.” A smile spreads on Cal’s face and his arms slowly lift. “Don’t hug me, Crutchlow.” 

“It’s unavoidable now. You’re finally grasping the entertainment part of the show,” he gushes, clinging on tighter as Delvi tries to scoot away. Delvi covers her ears as Cal starts shouting at everyone to pause playing. “Which team do you want to be skins?” he whispers to her as the guys approach. 

“I can’t keep track of who’s on which team. So, Jorge’s team needs to take off their tops,” Delvi announces. Alex looks put out. 

“Jorge’s team? I’m the only one who’s scored a goal. Why not my team?”

“Yea, why Jorge’s…” Cal trails off as Jorge pulls his shirt over his head. He finally stops hugging Delvi, opting to hold her hand instead. 

“It gets better.” Delvi squeezes his hand, waiting for Maverick to take his shirt off. His abs ripple obscenely. Cal is still speechless. Delvi gently lifts his chin, closing his mouth. 

[Play resumes until Jorge’s team scores a second goal. Delvi has been checking the time nearly every five minutes for the last hour so Cal calls the game, declaring Jorge’s team the winners. Dani tries to kick Alex in the shins again, but Alex has placed his hand on Dani’s head, preventing him from getting close enough.]

“Alright, love, we’re getting you shuffled off for a one-on-one date with the ant-man.” Cal rushes them along, clearly excited to be leaving the field. “I’m very uncomfortable with how attractive I find Maverick. I don’t think I can look him in the eyes,” he whispers urgently. 

“Why?” Cal looks at Delvi like she is crazy.

“I’ve  _ ogled _ him.” There’s a glimmer of something evil in Delvi’s eyes as they approach Marc. 

“Marc, do the thing,” she encourages, nodding eagerly when he looks at her. 

“Only if you do the thing,” he counters, raising an eyebrow. Delvi holds out her hand and they shake. Cal looks between them, clearly lost. 

“What the fu…” He goes silent mid-sentence as Marc rips open his button down shirt. He stands proudly with his hands on his hips. Cal stares at his washboard stomach before wailing loudly, running in the opposite direction. Marc turns to face Delvi, cocking his head. 

“You earned it,” she admits, reaching out to pinch his nipples while making a toot-toot noise. Marc doubles over, cackling so loudly that the nearby birds fly away. “Leave your shirt with me later and I’ll stitch the buttons on again.” 

“So, why did I have to do that?” Marc asks, following Delvi to the picnic that has been set up for them. 

“Cal is struggling to come to terms with finding men attractive. So, purely for my entertainment,” she shrugs, sitting on the ground opposite him. Marc nods, clearly ok with having helped. 

[The camera cuts to inside the mansion. Alex and Dani are sitting next to each other in the pink chair]

Cal: “So boys, what was with all the squabbling on the pitch?”

Dani is resolutely staring at the wall, refusing to look at Alex. 

Alex: “Look, I’m not going to stand in your way if Delvi picks you, but I’m also not going to just give up because I make you insecure.” 

Dani: “I’m not insecure!” He finally turns to look at Alex, gaping. 

Alex: “You’re insecure.” 

Dani: “Of course I’m insecure!” he shrills, jumping up from his seat to start pacing. “It’s not just that you’re tall and beautiful, it’s that…” he pauses, his chin nearly resting on his chest as he stares at his feet. “You can say all of those things I’ve been too scared to.” 

Alex: “Dani, you know how you feel about her. Stop being a coward. You’ve always been the one for her,” Alex complains, his voice getting softer as he realises what he’s saying. 

Cal sobs loudly, leaning around the camera so that his face is taking up most of the frame. 

Cal: “That was so bloody beautiful!” Dani takes a deep breath before walking out of the interview, pushing past the producer as he tries to keep him in the room. Cal composes himself after a moment. “Ok, now I need the backstory, Bambi.” Alex looks apprehensive but soon caves, uncomfortable with how fervently Cal is staring at him.

Alex: “Two years ago, I told Delvi that I was in love with her. I knew the timing was bad, so I told her I would wait until she was ready.” Alex pauses, glancing down at his hands. After a moment, he looks into the camera. “I’m still waiting.” 

Cal’s sobbing recommences, louder than before. 

Cal: “How dare you put my heart in a blender!”

[Delvi and Marc are laying on their backs, cuddled up, staring up at the sky.]

“Why did you pick me for the date?” Marc asks, still slightly upset about not getting to play football.

“I just needed a break from all of the bullshit.” Delvi snuggles a little deeper into the crook of his arm. Marc looks thoughtful, his brow furrowing. 

“You know, I’ve never thought about it, but we would actually make a really good couple.” Delvi snorts, rolling half onto his chest so she can look at his face. “I’m being serious,” Marc pouts, sticking his bottom lip out. “I would make an amazing boyfriend.” 

“I love you,” Delvi relents a bit. “But, you have the attention span of a gerbil.” 

_ “Kiss, kiss, kiss,”  _ Cal chants in a whisper, his head poking out from behind a nearby tree. 

“Plus, you have a massive crush on Luca.” Marc begins to grin, his Marquez smile nearly glowing in the dimming light. 

“Who are you sending home this week?” Delvi considers the question for a moment. 

“Definitely Valentino.”

[Flashback to earlier in the week. Delvi and Valentino are clearly locked in an argument.]

“Homer Simpson is the man. End of discussion,” Valentino declares loudly. 

“I appreciate your input, but I was actually talking to Jorge.” 

“I was telling Delvi about my troubled past,” Jorge supplies, looking upset. “I am a tortured soul trapped in a beautiful body.” Delvi looks increasingly disinterested in both conversations. Valentino scoffs, clearly not agreeing. 

“You are not that beautiful, Yorg.” Jorge looks to Delvi, hoping for support. Delvi remains silent, unsure what she can really say. “You cannot be. Delvi has not fucked you, and she fucks everyone,” he argues, looking like he has made a triumphant point. Jorge, for his part, at least looks concerned. Delvi looks stunned, blinking for a moment before seeming to wake up. Cal rushes in, barely catching her before she lunges at Valentino.

[Delvi and Marc have shifted. She now lies with her head in his lap as he combs his fingers through her hair.]

“Are you keeping Jorge long enough for fantasy suites?” Marc asks, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. Delvi looks offended for a moment before she concedes.

“I had actually thought about it. I definitely don’t want to end up with him, but I wouldn’t mind seeing how true the rumours are.” 

“They are very true.” Delvi rolls onto her back, looking up at him. She raises a brow, expecting him to continue. “He’s a natural dom. I had carpet burns on my face for days after that.” Delvi’s mouth has dropped open. “What? You aren’t the only slut in the paddock.” They both dissolve into giggles, whispering half sentences back and forth, clearly sharing their own sort of language. The chatter turns into noises before they both sigh, returning their attention to the stars overhead. “Can I ask who you’re planning to keep for the finale?” Marc asks after a few minutes of silence.

“Spoilers!!” Cal shouts, emerging from his ‘hiding’ place. “Even if she knows, she can’t tell that yet.”

“But, I’m pretty sure I do know,” Delvi interrupts, sitting up. Cal drops onto his knees in front of her, grabbing her shoulders. 

“WHO??!!”

“Didn’t you just say…” 

“Keep out of this, you sun-kissed beauty!” Cal explodes, silencing Marc. They look at each other in silent confusion for a moment, Marc baffled by the compliment that was hurled at him like an insult. 

“Kiss, kiss, kiss,” Delvi chants, giggling as Cal’s face goes bright red. He splutters something that sounds like, “Lucy would leave me if it happened again,” before hurriedly exiting the camera view. 

[Delvi and Cal stand on the back porch. Delvi is clearly annoyed.]

“Why did you set up a hot tub date?” she asks through clenched teeth. Cal looks unrepentant.

“The viewers want to see something scandalous.” Delvi looks a bit murderous and Cal takes a step backwards, sensing danger. “You don’t have to have sex with them. Again,” he adds, the colour draining from his face as Delvi lunges for him. 

[The camera jostles as though Cal is hiding behind the cameraman.]

“Unhand my plums, you violent trollop!” he squeals, abandoning his hosting duties as he runs across the set and out the back gate the second Delvi lets go. 

[The camera pans, focusing on Delvi who is still covering her ears in the aftermath of Cal’s squeal. The producer steps in, ushering the three riders outside. “Group date!” he announces before quickly disappearing once more.]

Valentino, having known Delvi the longest, automatically pours her a full glass of champagne. He waits a moment until she has drained it in a single gulp before refilling her glass and pouring one for himself and the others. 

“Thank you,” she murmurs, her voice weak. 

“Take a moment and then join us,” he instructs, giving her a wink. Maverick hangs back, gently pulling Delvi aside. She looks resistant, but follows him into a far corner. 

“Sorry to do this, but I just thought you should know something.” He clearly has Delvi’s full attention now. “Valentino might be in love with you.” Delvi blinks a few times, caught off guard. 

“But he’s…” 

“I know, but he talks a lot about you,” Maverick tells her, his voice quiet so as not to be overheard. Delvi swallows hard, her gaze moving towards the lanky rider now arguing with Jorge. 

[Jorge and Maverick have challenged each other to a game of water volleyball. Delvi is sitting by the fire pit, occasionally refereeing when things get out of hand.]

Delvi glances up as Valentino sits down next to her. 

“Can I interrupt your referee duties?” he asks, looking uncharacteristically nervous. She nods, clearly worried by what he might be thinking. “I need to say something and it’s difficult for me,” Valentino begins, his gaze dropping to his hands. “I am, uh, sorry for before.” Delvi nearly collapses in relief. 

“Vale, it’s fine. We all have that thing that we’re really passionate about. Yours just happens to be the Simpsons.” He looks confused. 

“What? No. I mean, I love Homer, but no, that’s not what I meant.” Valentino turns to face her, taking Delvi’s hands in his own. “I’m sorry I hurt you back when we first met. You deserve much better.” Delvi is taken aback. She looks unsure of what to say, contemplating a response for several moments. 

“Thank you, Tino. That means a lot,” she replies, smiling back at him. They stare at each other for a bit longer before Valentino reclines back against the arm of the couch, pulling Delvi with him. She starts to settle into his chest before looking up at him. 

Valentino brushes his thumb across her cheek. Their lips nearly touch before a loud crash from inside the house startles them. Delvi sits up abruptly, catching a glimpse of a red-faced, naked Luca dashing out of view. Marc, equally naked, waves through the window, obviously not bothered by the things he’s just knocked off the counter, or his state of undress. 

“Small fucking bastard,” Valentino mutters.

[Delvi stands in the garden, holding two roses.]

“These choices are getting harder and harder,” she admits, shuffling her feet. Jorge, Maverick, and Valentino look nervous. Delvi takes a deep breath, and after a beat, makes her choice. “Valentino.”

He looks relieved to be chosen, pressing a kiss to her temple as he accepts the flower. Delvi glances back at the other two, wondering who else should stay. 

“Wait, sorry,” Cal interrupts, snapping to attention next to her. He counts the number of riders already selected on his fingers. “Fuck, shit, bugger. I miscounted the roses,” he groans, snatching the last flower out of her hand. 

Cal voiceover: “Coming up on the Bachelorette!”

[Valentino ducks as Alex hurls a coffee cup at his head]

“What the fuck was that, bambino?” Alex grabs for another mug and prepares to throw it.

[Dani nervously hands Delvi a folded up piece of paper]

“Please just read it before you make any decisions.” 

[Delvi sits under the kitchen counter, her hands clamped over her ears as items fall off the counter around her.]

“This is a house of nightmares!”

[ _ The screen goes black but we can still hear Cal and Delvi arguing. She is clearly upset about Cal’s counting error.  _

_ “Would you have chosen differently?” _

_ “Well, no, but that’s not the point!” Delvi stammers. Cal looks vindicated.  _

_ “Then what does it matter that I’m illiterate?” he complains.  _

_ “You’re not illiterate, you’re just an idiot!”  _

_ “How dare you! It’s a real problem and I will not have you belittling my disability!” Cal shouts back. He yelps suddenly.  _

_ “Illiterate means you can’t read!” There is muffled chatter.  _

_ “Why is the fucking mic always on?!”] _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank you all so much for reading! This is another installment in a crazy, crack fic world. Any guesses on who's going to still be around for the next one? 
> 
> Please leave a comment or kudos if you enjoyed, were mildly entertained, or felt any other emotion. :)


	3. Episode 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We're down to the final three. Now the choices start to really matter...

Cal voiceover: “Previously on the Bachelorette!”

[Delvi is hiding under the kitchen counter, enjoying a cup of coffee in peace as Cal shouts for her outside.]

“Do you want some water?” Marc asks, walking into the kitchen with Luca. 

“Sure, that was an intense run. I envy your stamina,” he replies, reaching for the bottle in Marc’s hand. Instead of passing it to him, Marc pours some of the water over Luca’s head. Marc eyes him thoughtfully before pressing Luca back against the counter. 

“We should get you out of those wet clothes,” he comments, peeling off Luca’s shirt. It drops to the floor just in front of Delvi’s hiding spot. She looks utterly disgusted with Marc’s come-on before realising what’s about to happen. 

“No! Wait!” Delvi starts to crawl out from under the counter but freezes as a skillet clatters to the ground, barely missing her head. She shrinks back as far as she can, clamping her hands over her ears and squeezing her eyes shut. “This is a house of nightmares!” 

“Someone’s in here!” Luca hisses, blushing as Marc crawls over the counter. He hangs his head over, surprised, but not embarrassed to find Delvi hiding. 

“Hello! Do you want to join us?” he asks brightly, waving at her. 

[Dani, Alex, and Valentino are sitting at the dining room table, eating breakfast. Things are very silent and uncomfortable.Cal is sitting in the corner watching them with a smirk on his face.]

“Is it weird knowing you’ve all seen the same girl naked?” he questions, failing to avoid the piece of jammy toast Alex has thrown at him. 

“It’s actually a little worse having seen his brother… and my brother... “ Valentino vaguely gestures towards Alex, his eyes haunted. 

[The camera pans across the front of the mansion, Cal and Delvi are standing outside, whispering about something. Marc and Luca join them on the porch, each carrying a suitcase.]

“Ah, so, there’s been a change this week on the Bachelorette!” Cal announces, finally noticing the cameras are filming. “Marc and Luca are leaving us to go and film their own spin-off series.” 

“And we could not be happier for them,” Delvi chimes in. 

“Now, even if Delvi fucks it all up, at least two people found love on this trash fire of a show.” Delvi glares at Cal. 

“If  _ I  _ fuck it up?” 

“Obviously,” Cal retorts, folding his arms over his chest. “Alex is a beautiful, sincere boy and Dani is the gentlest little sprite.”

“Valentino may be an arrogant bastard, but he is incredibly charismatic,” Marc adds. Luca hesitates for a moment before nodding, agreeing with the assessment of his brother.

“So, you see, you’re really the only down-factor here,” Cal finishes, looking to Marc for support. Marc nods his agreement, easily sidestepping Delvi’s smack. Cal is not nearly as quick, falling backwards over a hedge as he tries to avoid her.

“Oof! Hey! Go after Marc more. He’s your best friend and he just agreed with me!” Cal shouts, crawling under the rest of the bushes, staying well out of reach. 

“I already know I can’t catch Marc!” Marc cackles in the distance, loudly cheering Delvi on as she tries to pull Cal out from under a holly bush. 

“Back to the show!” he squeals, holding onto the plant with both hands. 

[The scene opens on Alex and Valentino standing in the kitchen. They are drinking coffee and having a surprisingly pleasant chat. Dani, in a rare moment of mischief, has decided to try and prank them.]

“OoOoOh.” Dani slides into the kitchen wearing a sheet. He’s obviously pretending to be a ghost. Valentino has his back turned to him, ignoring the strange moaning sound. 

“Fantasma!” Alex screams and throws his coffee mug. 

“What the fuck was that, bambino?” Valentino asks, having narrowly avoided being hit with the mug. Alex grabs for another cup, preparing to throw it. Dani waves his arms menacingly, slowly approaching Valentino. This time, Valentino is prepared for Alex’s throw, easily ducking the flying cup. Dani, however, is not so lucky. 

“Take that!” Alex shouts, watching as the ‘ghost’ crumples after being hit in the head with the coffee mug. 

[ _ Delvi is arguing with the producer. She doesn’t want to do hometown dates since she’s already been to each hometown. _

_ “It seems a little superfluous, really. I’ve already lived in Dani’s apartment. I also used to live with Marc, which is the same house Alex lives in.” _

_ “But the audience all want to see the tension!” Cal shouts, clearly rooting for this. “We’re already combining fantasy suites with the hometown dates since it’s down to three.” Delvi doesn’t look convinced, but she does seem to be softening. “I need this, Poulsen. Don’t take away my happiness!” he begs, falling to the floor in front of her. Delvi looks down apprehensively as Cal grabs her ankle. “Just let me have one good thing!” She looks directly at the camera, obviously in distress.  _

_ “Can someone help Cal?” He pulls a pair of tweezers out of his pocket, holding them up next to Delvi’s leg. _

_ “I’m going to pull out hairs until you agree to this!” he threatens, searching intently for hairs. “Why are your legs so fucking smooth?!” Delvi reaches down, trying to grab his hand.  _

_ “Why do you carry tweezers with you?”  _

_ “I’m a very hairy man. You never know when an extraordinarily wild one will appear, needing to be plucked so society can accept me,” he sniffles, finally letting Delvi pull him to his feet. She looks a little confused, but no less concerned for him.  _

_ “Here, sweetie. Pull out some arm hairs,” she offers, holding out her arm. Cal’s face lights up.  _

_ “I love you,” he mumbles, excitedly pulling out a hair. _ ]

[Delvi stands outside of Dani’s apartment. She’s clearly conflicted about being here.]

“So, you used to live here, right?” Cal asks, noticing her discomfort. “What a view,” he notes, turning around to look up at the snow-covered mountains. Delvi swallows and steps up to the door, knocking. Dani yanks the door open a bit too quickly, startling her. 

“What happened to your face?” she asks, eschewing hello entirely. Dani rubs a hand over the small, bruised lump on his forehead. 

“I tried to scare Alex by dressing up as a ghost,” he explains, a little embarrassed. Cal has wandered off, making snow angels outside on the sidewalk. 

“You know that’s his biggest, and strangest, fear,” Delvi chides, grinning at him. 

“I should have been prepared for him to throw a coffee mug at me,” he agrees, opening the door wider to invite her in. 

“Obviously,” she giggles, pressing a soft kiss to the bruise as she steps through the doorway. They both look a little surprised by her actions. “Sorry, that just felt really natural to do,” Delvi apologizes, making sure to keep a little distance between them. 

“I know,” Dani says softly, reaching for her hand. “There’s a lot of memories in here.” Dani leads her through the apartment and down to the garage. He pulls open the door to the street, letting some light in. “Which is why I thought we should get out of here.” He hands Delvi a helmet, pointing to the small scooter parked in the corner. 

“Oh, thank god. I thought you were going to make me ride a bicycle,” she sighs in relief. Dani smiles and holds out his arm, waiting for Delvi to do the same. They have small, matching scars on the inside of their wrists. 

“I remember what happened last time. You crashed into me and nearly knocked me off the mountain.” Delvi snorts indignantly. 

“I told you I hated bicycles. I know how much you love to ride, so killing you was the only way to avoid having to ride them again.” Dani jokingly pats his chest, continuing to pat down his torso.

“I appear to still be alive. You’ve failed,” he snips, grinning at her. Delvi narrows her eyes. 

“No, I just changed my mind. I decided your company was a fair trade for the horror of cycling. So, it wasn’t a failure.” She pauses for a beat, the serious tone of the conversation finally hitting them both. “That part wasn’t, at least,” she murmurs, looking away. Cal stumbles into the garage, interrupting them. He pulls off one of his boots and starts shaking the snow out of it. 

“Christ, it’s colder than a witch’s tit out here,” he grumbles, slowly realising Delvi and Dani are refusing to look at each other. “Ah, fuck. I’ve interrupted something,” he bemoans, noticing the tension between Delvi and Dani. Delvi shakes her head, clearing out her negative thoughts. 

“Nope, we’re just leaving,” she declares, tugging on her helmet. Dani glances at her for a moment, realising the conversation is over. 

[There is a montage of Delvi and Dani riding around the city on the little scooter. They explore the sights and stop to have a snowball fight. Finally, they end up at a hotel on the side of the mountain, sitting on a couch on their private balcony. Delvi’s back is leaned against Dani’s chest, and his arms are wrapped tightly around her, one hand gently toying with hers.]

“What are your big plans for the future?” Delvi asks, sipping at a glass of red wine. 

“Didn’t you read the letter I gave you?” Delvi sheepishly shakes her head. The letter is still tucked safely in her pillow case. Dani looks a little dejected, searching for a new reply. “I don’t really have any. I’m sort of just letting life happen,” he shrugs, resting his chin against her shoulder. Delvi is taken aback. She leans forward, allowing herself to turn enough to face him. 

“Really? You used to be mister I plan every minute of every day. I assumed you would have everything planned right up until your eighties.” 

“I miss the eighties. I like lycra.” They are both tipsy. Dani reaches for his phone, playing ‘When Doves Cry’. Correction, they are more likely drunk.

“I love this song!” Delvi pulls Dani up off the couch to dance with her. They twirl and sing along until the song changes to a much slower one. Dani steps closer to Delvi, wrapping his arms tightly around her waist. She reciprocates, slipping her arms around his neck. They sway to the music for the entire song before Dani finally breaks the silence. ‘Adore’ is playing in the background. 

“I should have told you I loved you every single chance I had,” he admits, resting his forehead against hers. “You were right, I used to plan every little detail of my life, but look where it got me,” he shrugs, a very sad sigh escaping him. “I thought I could control my career; be some hero that might deserve you. When it started to fail, I pushed you away.”

“You didn’t fail. Just because you don’t have a MotoGP championship yet doesn’t mean you aren’t still my hero.” Dani meets her eyes, the tension is palpable. Delvi tilts her head, pressing her lips against his. 

[Cal holds tightly to Delvi’s hand as they weave their way through the airport in Rimini. There are posters of Valentino everywhere.]

“No wonder he’s so bloody arrogant,” Cal muses, stepping out of the way of yet another yellow-clad traveller. Delvi looks bewildered by the sheer amount of VR46 items everywhere. 

“I will admit, I did not expect this.” A tall, thin man waves at them from the exit. Delvi slowly recognizes that it is Valentino. He is wearing his usual VR46 cap but he has donned giant sunglasses and a fake mustache. 

“‘Ello, I’m glad you made it safe. Cal is hard to travel with,” he mentions as they begin to exit the airport. Delvi glances over at Cal who is now spritzing Evian on his face. 

“He’s not too…” Delvi cuts off abruptly as Cal yanks her to a stop next to him. He pulls some change out of his pocket, dropping it into a gumball machine just outside the door. “He totally is,” she agrees, wrenching her hand free. Cal happily pops the gumball into his mouth, ignoring their comments. 

Valentino leads them to the outside parking area, stopping next to a neon yellow Lamborghini. Delvi eyes the gaudy vehicle for a moment before reaching for the passenger door, resigned to everything being this flashy. 

“What about me?” Cal asks, realising that he can’t ride with them. 

“Next time, I’ll take you for a ride,” Valentino winks, climbing behind the wheel. He rolls down the window and waves to Cal, shouting a typical “Ciao!” as they drive away. 

Valentino casually drops his hand onto Delvi’s knee. She chooses to remain silent until they pass a sign for Tavullia, turning in the opposite direction. He notices Delvi’s wary stare. 

“I figured we would start off with the date part and then I can show you Tavullia tonight.” Delvi nods her understanding, still unsure how to talk to this public version of Valentino. 

They pull up to a racetrack after another twenty minutes of driving. Valentino pulls into a garage and shuts off the engine, stepping out to talk to a waiting mechanic. Delvi gets out and wanders over to inspect the waiting racecar. 

“I’m honestly shocked that you remember,” she says, turning to look up at Valentino as he approaches. 

“I know you always wanted to learn how to drive on a track. So, today, I will teach you,” he replies, smiling as though he is granting her a massive gift. Delvi’s expression immediately clouds over. 

“Teach me?” She definitely looks frustrated now. Valentino is usually oblivious to everyone around him, but, for once, he notices her frown. “I was literally driving a racecar when we met!”

“What?” 

“Why did you think I was at all the same tracks?”

“I thought you came to see me…” he trails off, clearly remembering things incorrectly. 

“Wearing a fucking fire suit and carrying a helmet?!” Delvi paces away from him, shaking her head and mumbling. “I can’t believe I thought you paid even the smallest amount of attention to me. This whole time you thought I was just a groupie!”

“Delvi,” Valentino interrupts, reaching for her hand. She stops pacing and looks up at him. “I  _ am  _ sorry.” They both look a little surprised by the sincerity in his voice. Valentino places the car key in her hand, closing her fingers over it. “Why don’t you show me what you can do, instead?” 

[Montage: Delvi throws the back end of the car around, fake-screaming as though she is terrified. Valentino also screams, genuinely terrified. She easily recovers the spin and bursts into laughter, eventually having to come to a stop to wipe the tears from her eyes. Later, they are both focused, Valentino listening intently as Delvi describes something. Soon, they are both laughing and talking, finally comfortable with each other.]

“Is there anything subtle about you?” Delvi asks, her eyes travelling over the giant patio at the back of Valentino’s palatial house. Her gaze sweeps over the track situated comfortably in the field behind his home. 

Valentino grins, offering her a glass of wine. 

“I’m Italian, subtle does not come naturally to me.” Delvi takes a sip, relishing the taste of the wine. 

“Do you have a secret vineyard somewhere?” 

“I don’t,” he replies, considering it a very good idea, though. “Maybe you could start one for me.” 

“It would take a long time for me to feel comfortable in a place like this.” 

“But you could?” Valentino asks, holding her gaze as she comes over to sit in his lap. Delvi takes a long time to consider his question, knowing the weight behind it. 

“I think I could,” she admits quietly, letting Valentino pull her into a kiss. 

[Cal glares at Delvi as they ride a train to Andorra. She hands him a cookie and continues reading her book.]

“You are not leaving me behind this time!” he declares, running past her to get in Alex’s car first. He climbs into the passenger seat and locks the door. 

“He just needs a nap,” Delvi comments, looking uncertainly at Alex for a moment. He grabs her into a hug, pressing a quick kiss against her cheek. Delvi melts against his chest, glad for his uncanny ability to make almost any situation comfortable. 

“He seems very high-maintenance, sort of like Marc. My trick is, take him to the track and let him exhaust himself. By the time we’re home, he’s sound asleep and I can actually have some peace,” he jokes, opening the passenger door. He pulls a grumpy Cal out of the car, wrestling him into the backseat. “Luckily, that’s the date I already had planned. I hope you’re ready to get filthy,” he winks, looking every bit as wild as his older brother. 

[At the dirt track, Alex tries to teach Delvi even the smallest bit about dirt bikes. It’s obvious she has no natural ability and falls off repeatedly. Once, she falls off the back of the bike, but it keeps going, knocking Cal and Alex down like bowling pins. Eventually, she gives up and opts to watch Alex and Cal lap the track, cutting off the odd argument that springs up. As predicted, Cal is exhausted and falls asleep fifteen minutes into the car ride.]

Alex opens the front door of his shared home, gesturing Delvi inside. He leaves the front door unlocked in case Cal wakes up and decides to come inside. 

“Prepare to be amazed,” Alex declares, offering Delvi a beer from the fridge. “I’m cooking dinner tonight and, unlike my brother, I will not catch anything on fire.” 

“Ooh, what can I do to help?” she asks, wanting to be useful. Alex shakes his head, pointing to a stool on the other side of the island. 

“You can simply marvel at my skills. Besides, I said no fire.” 

“That was one time!” Delvi argues.

“It was twice!”

“Ok, one of those times is your fault because you just had to bend…”

“I remember that time and I’m not including it,” he comments, his face going quite red at the memory. Delvi harumphs but falls silent. Alex begins removing ingredients from the pantry and fridge, moving fluidly through the kitchen. When his back is turned, Delvi knocks a tomato off of the counter, cheering silently when it rolls to the opposite side of the kitchen. Alex bends over to pick it up, sneaking a glance back at Delvi. He catches her in the act of ogling his ass. “I remember that trick,” he grins, watching her blush this time. The tomato is barely back on the counter before Delvi knocks it off again, grinning as Alex shakes a finger at her. “Now it’s just gratuitous.”

[Dinner finished, Delvi is curled up against Alex’s side as they lay out in the backyard, staring at the stars. He knows this is her favourite spot from many nights spent hanging out with Delvi and Marc.]

“This has been a really good day,” he mumbles against her hair, pressing a kiss to her head. Delvi suddenly bursts into tears. “What’s wrong?” he starts to sit up but Delvi keeps her arms tightly around him. She buries her face against his shoulder, taking a minute to compose herself. 

“Nothing. I’m sorry. I’m not… I’m not usually emotional like this,” she apologizes, wiping at her eyes. “Normally I would have Marc to talk to, but I’m just bottling everything up and overthinking and panicking and…” 

“So, talk to me,” Alex interrupts, trailing his fingers up and down the arm that’s draped over his stomach. “I’m not my brother, but I can definitely try to help.” 

“That doesn’t seem very fair to you, though. I’m pretty sure you don’t want to hear about my internal struggle to pick someone. Especially not when you’re one of the choices.” Alex sighs and rolls over so that he can look at her face, propping himself up on his elbows over her. 

“Delvi, I have been in love with you probably since the first time we met. Granted, I was a lovestruck kid, but nothing has changed for me. I never said anything while you were with Dani because that wouldn’t have been fair. Not that telling you just after you guys had broken up was any better, but…” he pauses, shaking his head. “Anyway. My point is, have I ever not been a good friend? I will always, always be here. No matter what happens between us,” he assures her, hoping it wasn’t too much to share. Delvi is blinking rapidly, overwhelmed. 

“Six years?” she manages to whisper. 

“Technically it’s been nine years. I met you twice when you were hanging out with Valentino. I was fourteen, though, so I don’t really expect you to remember that. Actually, don’t try to remember that. It was a very awkward stage for me,” he grins, trying to lighten the mood. “Besides, it wasn’t until you started hanging out with Marc all the time that I really knew what I was feeling.” Delvi takes a shaky breath, trying to absorb everything he has just said. She obviously has no idea how to respond so she pulls him into a kiss, wrapping her arms tightly around him. 

[Delvi sits in the pink chair, nervously picking at her fingernails.]

Delvi: “Alex is… incredible. I have so much history with Dani, though. I probably would have married him if he hadn’t pushed me away.” She shakes her head, deep in thought. “Fuck, and Valentino is so strangely open with me. He’s like a completely different person. The person I always wished he would be.” Delvi looks at the camera, clearly terrified. “What the fuck am I supposed to do?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you so much for reading and indulging my trip down crack-fic lane. 
> 
> Any thoughts on who she should pick?


	4. Episode 4

Cal voiceover: “Who will Delvi choose on the finale of the Bachelorette? Keep watching to find out!”

[Cal stands in the garden, physically holding Delvi still. She clearly has not made up her mind about who she will be choosing tonight. Valentino, Dani, and Alex are all standing in a line facing her. Each one looks like they are trying to hide just how nervous they are. Alex is the only one managing to look at least semi-calm.]

Cal hands Delvi the first rose, physically closing her fingers around the stem. She grimaces, trying to resist. Finally, she gives up, letting her shoulders sag in disappointment. 

“This was incredibly difficult. I can’t describe the level of soul-searching I’ve done to get here,” Delvi begins, accidentally breaking the rose stem in half as she nervously twirls it in her hands. 

“Cut!” Cal shouts, yanking the rose away from her. “We need a new flower!” Delvi looks ready to bolt again, her confidence failing as they wait for an assistant to provide a new rose. 

“I… this is…” she stutters, snapping the new rose stem almost as soon as the flower is in her hand. “Oh bugger.” Cal sighs and calls for another flower, this time intercepting it before Delvi can break it. 

“I’m just going to hand it out for you. You just take a deep breath and try to relax a little,” he soothes, patting her head gently. Delvi nods, grateful. 

“Alex.” He smiles in relief, accepting the rose from Cal before pulling Delvi into a tight hug. She mumbles something against his chest and he pulls away, laughing.

“The final rose is for...” Delvi pauses, waiting for Cal to signal for her to continue. The camera pans over the remaining two’s wide-eyed expressions. Cal gives her a tiny nod. “Valentino.” There is a collective gasp, Valentino clearly not the expected choice. He approaches her slowly, searching her face for hesitation. Seeing none, he accepts the rose and presses a kiss to Delvi’s hair as he passes, moving to stand next to Alex. 

“Dani, I’m so sorry,” Delvi mumbles, her bottom lip quivering. “A big part of me came into this assuming you would be the final choice, but-” she hands him a folded piece of paper- “You  _ should have _ told me all of those things, but you didn’t. And, maybe there’s a reason we don’t see right now.” Dani attempts a watery smile, pulling Delvi into a hug. “Or maybe I’m making a big fucking mistake,” she mutters, Dani unable to hear her over Cal’s sobs.

“Join us next week for the soul-crushing finale of the Bachelorette!” he cries, taking the handkerchief Dani is offering him. “Team Dani!” he wails, Valentino stepping up to catch him as he collapses in tears. “She’s a monster.” Valentino holds out his arm, patiently waiting for Cal to dig his tweezers out of his pocket.

[ _ Delvi and Cal are sitting in her motorhome with the lights out. They are passing a bottle of whiskey between them. _

_ “I swear to god, this show is going to ruin my life,” he whines, taking a long drink from the bottle. Delvi giggles.  _

_ “I have to live with these choices for the rest of my life,” she replies, reaching for the bottle. Cal bursts into laughter, spraying whiskey everywhere.  _

_ “Fuck, I forgot about that bit. You need all of this.” He solemnly hands the bottle to her, reaching for a paper towel to wipe off the table and window. Delvi glares at him and wipes the spittle off her face. _ ]

[Alex and Valentino are sitting in complete silence at the kitchen counter.]

“I can’t believe you’re still here,” Alex mumbles, sipping at a cup of coffee. Valentino frowns slightly, disliking how shocked Alex is. He covers the expression quickly with a practiced smirk. 

“That’s my charm.” 

“This isn’t some sort of a game! Delvi is a real person with real feelings!” Alex argues, looking startled when Valentino suddenly grabs his shoulders. 

“I  _ know _ ,” he urges, his confident facade clearly cracking. “How do you do it? How do you tell someone you… you…” Valentino gestures with his hands, unable to force the word out. 

“Love them?”

“Yes, that.” Valentino looks relieved that he hasn’t had to say it yet. Alex grins, surprised he’s sharing this particular life experience with Valentino Rossi. 

“You’ve really never said it?” 

“Of course,” he shrugs. “I’ve just never meant it.” 

“I told my first girlfriend I loved her, but they were just words. I told her what she wanted to hear so she wouldn’t dump me.” Alex reaches for the coffee pot refilling both of their cups. “Did you love Delvi back when you were dating?” Valentino shakes his head. 

“No. I didn’t even know she was racing even though she was competing every time I saw her at a track. I wasn’t interested in knowing who she was,” he replies, looking sheepish. “Delvi is…” 

“Sensational?” Alex offers. Valentino nods. 

[Cal and Delvi are nursing a terrible hangover, trying to choke down greasy tacos and gatorade. Delvi waits until Cal makes a run for the bathroom, grabbing his mobile phone.]

“Hi.” There is silence as only half of her conversation can be heard. “No, I stole Cal’s phone. I just needed to talk to you… Yes it’s serious… right, genuinely serious… Can you please refrain from giving him a blowjob at this exact moment… I can hear you!...” Delvi makes obscene slurping noises, getting her point across. “I don’t have any idea what to do… Dani went home… I’m not second-guessing exactly… Now is really not the time for the burning tent analogy.” Cal returns to the table, taking several moments to realise Delvi is on the phone. 

“You can’t make a phone call!” he screeches, trying to grab the phone out of her hand. 

“Sorry, Cal’s just trying to…” Delvi puts on her sunglasses, opening the blinds. Cal hisses and immediately drops to the floor, hiding his face. Delvi’s mouth quirks into a half-smile, clearly happy about whatever is being said. “Thank you, Marc.” She hangs up, dropping the mobile on Cal as she walks out the door. “Always so dramatic, Calvin.” 

[Cal is glaring at Delvi as she gets ready for her final dates.]

“You drank twice as much as I did. How are you functioning?” 

“Strong constitution?” Delvi replies, grimacing as Cal dry heaves behind her. “Can you not do that so close to me?” Cal attempts to say something snarky, unable to get any words out before he throws up in the nearest trash can. 

“If that’s not an analogy for this show…” he groans, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

[Camera cuts to Valentino interview. He has just come back from his last date with Delvi.]

Cal: “So, Vale, how are you feeling after the final time with Delvi?” 

Valentino: “Fine.” His tone is flat and he doesn’t look at all fine. “It’s always fine.” He scratches the back of his head, looking uncomfortable. 

Cal: “Mate, you don’t look like it was a good time.” 

Valentino: “I’m falling for someone who could pick a Marquez over me. It’s hard to have a ‘good time’.” He holds up his hand, silencing Cal before he can make a snippy comment. “And I know it’s just a deflection. It has nothing to do with him being a Marquez. That’s just easier to say than a better man.” Cal’s mouth has dropped open, his eyes equally wide in shock. 

Cal: “Of all the things I expected out of this tit circus, actual character development was not on the list.” 

Valentino: “Especially my already perfect character.” Valentino winks, his frown melting into a sly grin. Cal recovers a bit, returning his smile. 

Cal: “I am uncomfortably aroused by the good guy/bad guy flip. It’s quite disturbing.” Cal fidgets in his chair when Valentino surveys him like a predator.

Valentino: “I give you what you need,” he says plainly, stretching out his long limbs as he stands up. Cal stares as he walks out of the room, following him with his eyes. 

Cal: “I bet you could, you noble bastard,” he mutters under his breath, turning slowly back to the camera. “Eat me like a gazelle, you stealthy panther.” Cal words are practically a moan, interrupted by a loud disapproving grumble. 

Producer: “For fuck’s sake, Cal.” 

[Alex sits in the pink chair. Rather, slumps in the pink chair. He seems dejected, which is rare for the perpetually happy Bambi.]

Cal: “Why so sad, Bambi?” Cal rests his chin on his fist, looking at Alex with concerned eyes. Alex blinks at him for a moment. 

Alex: “Seriously?” Cal nods, tilting his head to the other side. 

Cal: “You can tell Poppa Cal what’s wrong.” Alex looks a bit grossed out. A hand appears from out of frame and slaps Cal. “Oi, fine! I won’t call myself that.”

Producer: “The entire audience appreciates it.” Cal rolls his eyes before turning his attention back to Alex. 

Alex: “I guess it’s just hitting me that my life could change tonight. It didn’t feel real before now.” 

Cal: “You might never see Delvi again.” Alex looks confused. 

Alex: “No, I’ll definitely see her again. Neither she nor Marc can function without the other. She’ll just be Valentino’s girlfriend, and I don’t know how I feel about that.”

Cal: “Fiance,” he corrects. Alex is surprised. 

Alex: “Wait, that wasn’t supposed to be part of the show.” His surprise has completely melted into fear.

Producer: “I changed my mind. Cal was supposed to tell everyone.” 

Cal: “I didn't tell anyone. It’s much more dramatic this way.” 

Alex: “But no one would propose if you didn’t tell us that new bit of information.” 

Producer: “Honestly, Cal. It’s like you actively try to fail.” Cal’s bottom lip wobbles. Alex hangs his head, knowing what’s coming. Cal sniffles and Alex automatically opens his arms, waiting for Cal to curl up in his lap. 

Cal: “I have feelings!” he shrieks, clinging tightly to Alex. Alex gently pats his head, trying to soothe him. He is also taking deep breaths to calm his own nerves; it isn’t succeeding. 

Alex: “You are very valid and everyone respects you.” Cal slowly begins to quiet, pulling his favourite tweezers out of his pocket. Alex sighs and holds out his arm, flinching slightly every time Cal pulls a hair. 

Cal: “Are you even old enough to get married?” 

Alex: “Yes, Calvin. I’m nearly 23.” Cal scoffs. “But marriage, that’s like… forever.” Alex looks increasingly panicked. “I can’t shackle myself to someone at this age. I have a whole life ahead of me!”

Cal: “But you…” Cal squeaks as Alex dumps him off his lap, pushing his way out of the room. 

[There is a commotion off-camera. The producer is actively trying to calm Alex down but it isn’t working. Cal is still staring blankly into the camera. Another voice joins the chaos outside and the camera jostles violently as it pans to film what’s happening.]

Producer: “Where are… Valentino you can’t just waltz in…” The producer looks between Alex’s retreating form and Valentino’s annoyed expression. He has no idea which story to follow. 

Valentino: “Cal text me. He said to come back.” Cal is already trying to sneak out of view, his face nearly glowing red.

Cal: “Oh god, I didn’t realise I actually sent that.” His voice is soft but the mic picks up every word. “Please forget that.” 

Valentino: “So you don’t want me to...” Valentino pauses, pulling out his phone to read the text. He smirks, watching Cal somehow turn a deeper shade of red. He opens his mouth to continue before Cal interrupts him. 

Cal: “You can’t say that on… well, you probably could on the Discovery Channel or Animal Planet.” 

Producer: “But this isn’t either!” For the first time, the producer sounds actively concerned about what is happening.

[The camera cuts to the garden. Delvi is standing alone in the center, holding a rose and looking very lost.]

Delvi: “Um, where is everyone? I feel like at least Cal should be here.” 

Producer: “Cal is… occupied.” He coughs, clearly uncomfortable talking about Cal. 

Delvi: “Occupied?” She still isn’t understanding whatever the producer is hinting at. He opens his mouth, obviously still mulling over what he can say. Fortunately, he is interrupted by Cal’s squealing. 

[Valentino dashes into view, Cal perched on his back. They’re both shirtless and Cal has a very obvious hickey on his neck. Delvi blinks rapidly, disbelieving what she is seeing.]

Cal: “You’ve won the bachelorette!” Valentino barely stops long enough for Cal to smack Delvi on the ass. 

Delvi: “I’ve… won? I’m alone.” 

Cal: “You get the gift of being alone!” Cal’s laughter echoes around the garden, the sound is actually much more sinister than intended. Delvi’s expression is totally unreadable as she looks towards the producer. 

Delvi: “They’re…” 

Producer: “Mmhm.” He nods, closing his eyes against the memory of just how he found out.

Delvi: “So is my choice automatically Alex?” The producer coughs again.

Producer: “He’s gone.” 

[Earlier in the day, Alex is seen getting into a taxi. The producer is running through the house trying to find Cal. He throws open a door when he hears Cal’s voice. Just as quickly, he is turning around, shoving the camera away before it reveals what’s happening.]

Delvi: “So… Alex is… Huh,” she pauses, looking confused and then relieved. She disappears out of frame in a flash of movement. 

Dani: “You made a mistake. I’m not giving up this time.” He has tackled Delvi and has her pinned to the ground. 

Delvi: “Why are you so strong?” she grumbles, trying to wriggle out from under him. “The grass is really wet. Can I get up?” 

Dani: “Give me another chance!” 

Delvi: “Only because you asked so nicely.” She sounds annoyed, but smiles, waiting until Dani relaxes just enough to toss him off of her. Delvi rolls on top of him, pinning him down in return. 

The producer steps into frame, clearly blocking them with his body. He looks very confused and distressed. 

Cal voiceover: “Thanks for watching the thrilling conclusion of The Bachelorette! Join us next season for more love and mayhem!”

Producer: “There’s no next season. We don’t even want to air this monstrosity.” 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who read this wild ride of a story!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading. This was just a funny idea that sprang from some chats and grew into all this. Please leave a comment or kudos if you enjoyed!


End file.
